Counting...

Counting stitches, counting stars, counting children, counting blessings, counting years, counting sheep, counting steps, counting victories, counting everything I can count. I've been counting my life. Every moment, everyday. But when I stop and try to count Love, the counting is done. There is only One... and He is more than the most of anything that can be counted.

Retroactive Grace

Tell God what you need and thank Him for what He has already done...on your behalf...covering every perceived deficit. Retroactive grace.

I started writing a song last night while waiting for children to finish up at an acting class. Just a prayer declaration coming up a song..."I will not worry, no I will not worry, no I will not worry at all..." Unfinished, of course, and simply true. This has become the Way for me.

I've spent more of my life worrying than I have living. Worried about what people think of me, about where the money comes from, about how to be on the outside all that I feel on the inside, how to get it all right. Worried about how to love myself, how to keep everyone happy, what to make for dinner, how to be a friend. How to be whole, how to write a song...

I can rattle these things off so fast. And I could keep them coming. But it's not worth it.

Because...THERE IS NO LACK IN ME... BECAUSE THERE IS NO LACK IN CHRIST.

I LOVE how He paid for it all. I LOVE that I don't have to worry. I love that He's taking away the propensity. I LOVE the surety that I am discovering deep down inside of HIM.

If ever I start to be concerned about anything...I immerse myself in the complex simplicity of retroactive grace...God's ways are undiscoverable. But His riches are mine...body, soul, and spirit. He is the Beginning and the End. And everything in between.

I am COVERED in every moment and in every way. Hallelujah-backflip!

(And that is a monkey in that picture above)

An Extravagant Gift For Me and Everyone Else, too.

I really like myself. This was not always the case.

Enjoy the Consequences

Something happened inside of me this new year. So much deliverance and revelation through the holidays. Most of it didn't come easy. All of it has reframed my parenting.

I really love being a mom. I love having daughters and sons. I love the privilege. It is also something I wasn't prepared for. I'm sure that's the case with MOST parents on the planet. I missed all the lessons and was asked to do the homework. Huh?

My husband and I have followed the "joy- disciplinarian" path with our children...following the example of our stellar friends "the Johnson's" who have the best behaved and well-loved children we've ever known. AND...there's ten of them at last count. Those children know who they are. They are not afraid of it. They love God. And others. And they know how to have fun. Pretty much exactly what we want to see in our children.

I can't remember much consistency in my upbringing. Or feeling totally loved. I don't remember consequences ever making the point. And I certainly found my heart in a world of hurt as I was growing...resulting in a young adult who fell apart rather than flowered. My parents did the best with what they had to give. No fault aimed in their direction. It just became my responsibility to discover the roots of the unraveling and understand how to rewrite my internal script for living...and for steering and stewarding young spirits.

I don't come by this naturally. I'm leaning very far into Father to get it right.

So whatever shift has taken place in my heart lately, I'm noticing that I am calling the shots more. I'm not getting "worked" by my children. The peace that Christ made at the cross is really
the umpire of my days. I have come into a whole new thinking, almost like I'm remembering a firm foundation that I know wasn't laid in the natural, very supernatural. And yet, I'm remembering like it was always there. Strange.

I have tried to be strong and consistent in my discipline with my children. But then there was always 'this and that' and making excuses for some of their disobedience because I just felt sorry for them. I feel as though I've previously been operating under a tremendous amount of guilt in my parenting. Maybe I thought I wasn't worthy to administer discipline and assign consequences since 'I'm not perfect - Why should I require them to be?"

The deal is...I am perfect. I am sitting inside of I AM. And it is His authority that I parent with. He is FULL of compassion. He is also TRUTH UNMOVED. And my job just got easier.

So I've been following, listening in between the lines of our life. I've been asking, declaring the love of Jesus in our home. I've been faithing, holding to what I know that I know...and what this tree is producing at the moment is the ability to discipline my children without getting emotional (raising my voice)...consistency is coming through like breathing...and consequences are equaling the offense. I am in control, not them. Ah, yes. God has given us authority. I am finally and fully taking it on.

The most recent example happened when Merci (seven years old) didn't pick up after herself, leaving her favorite red fleece jacket and skinny jeans on the floor and disappearing. Instead of getting mad that she had done it again again again again again (she's definitely been the hardest to train), I just picked them up and put them in a giveaway bag like I have threatened to do so many times and just didn't have whatever it took to mean what I said.

The sky fell on Merci. That was the hard-hitting effect of a specific cause. She was able to see the sequence for the first time. She was able to feel the frustration that I have been feeling FOR HER all the other times. This happened in the morning.

Late in the afternoon, we were driving to an acting rehearsal and she said, "Mommy, can you be happy and mad at the same time?" I said, "Sure you can." "Mommy, I mean can you be mad that you have consequences and still be happy?" I told her that is COMPLETELY possible to make the CHOICE to be happy even when you may be mad because the consequences will cause you to make a better habit and give you a better life...one where you don't disobey because you know there's more 'happy' in obedience. Then she said, "So I can be smiling even though I won't ever wear those skinny jeans again and I'll miss that red jacket so much?" And my favorite answer to date that came out of my mouth...amazingly..."Merci, you just have to ENJOY THE CONSEQUENCES. They will lead to the good life. I promise."

A few days later...smiling...Merci reported that she's not mad at her consquences anymore even though she's not sure if she can ever 'enjoy' them. "Mommy, that's just plain silly."

But she got it. And I love it.